Idiots who drowned in the Gene Pool – Rebirth!

Success should be rewarded!

My “Idiots who drowned in the Gene Pool” has been one of my most successful and appreciated – so I’ve decided to revive it! Starting with my first “Idiots” post, I’m going to re-post all the previous editions, and sprinkle in new ones as well. Hope you enjoy!

To kick it off, here’s a re-post of the very first one…

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-(31 August 1995, Egypt) Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18 year old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said his sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help. But they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived…

Idiots who drowned in the gene pool #46

(20 April 2008, Atlantic Ocean) A Catholic priest recently ascended to heaven on a helium host of party balloons, paying homage to Lawn Chair Larry’s aerial adventure. In 1982, Lawnchair Larry attached 45 weather balloons to his lawnchair, packed a picnic lunch, and cut the tether–but instead of drifting above Los Angeles as planned, he was rocketed into LAX air traffic lanes by the lift of the balloons!

Astoundingly, Larry survived the flight, inspiring the movies Up! and Deckchair Danny, and the actions of one Adelir Antonio, 51.

This priest‘s audacious attempt to set a world record for clustered balloon flight was intended to publicize his plan to build spiritual rest stops for truckers. But as truckers know, sitting for 19 hours is not a trivial matter even in the comfort of your own lawn chair.

The priest did take numerous precautions, including wearing a survival suit, flying a buoyant chair, and packing a satellite phone and GPS. However, the late A.A. made a fatal mistake.

He did not know how to use the GPS.

The winds changed, as winds do, and he was blown inexorably toward open sea. He could have parachuted to safety while over land but chose not to.When the voyager was perilously lost at sea, he finally phoned for help–but rescuers were unable to determine his location since he could not use his GPS. He struggled with the unit as the charge on the cellphone dwindled and died.

Over the next few weeks, bits of balloons began appearing on mountains and beaches, and ultimately the priest’s body surfaced indicating that God had guided him straight to heaven.

 

Idiots who drowned in the gene pool #45

(12 April 2004, Netherlands) Certain land animals have evolved over the millennia to use speed in the pursuit of prey or avoidance of predators. The cheetah (Acinonyx jubatus) can run as fast as 60 mph over the plains of Africa, and the pronghorn antelope (Antilocapra americana) can reach 55 mph over the plains of North America. Humans (Homo sapiens) are not among these animals built for speed. The very fastest human can achieve a maximum sprint of 22 mph for short distances.

So things were bound to go wrong when a 19-year-old male, driving the A67 highway near the Dutch town of Blerick, sought to impress his two passengers by putting his car on cruise control at 20 mph, getting out of the car, and running alongside it. He planned to jump back in and drive on, but the moment his feet hit the ground, he fell over and slammed headfirst into the asphalt. He was admitted to the hospital with severe brain damage, and died the next day.

Idiots who drowned in the gene pool #44

(21 February 2004, Ottawa, Canada) Ameer, a second-year engineering student at Carleton University, was celebrating his 20th birthday with friends in his 11th-floor apartment when they embarked on a spitting contest. His two friends had already made their marks. Ameer thought he could use his engineering skills to improve his performance. A quick mental calculation of trajectory, projectile velocity, and wind speed indicated that winning required more than a simple “stand and spit” technique. Ameer took a running start, flew over the balcony railing, and plunged to his death.

“It was purely accidental,” said Ottawa police, “momentum carried him beyond.” The building’s security guard heard the thud. “He was one of the smartest guys I ever met in my life,” the guard said. “He had a maturity beyond his age.”

Spitting contest deaths are becoming a trend. In 1999, a 25-year-old soldier in Alabama won the first Darwin Award in this category in 1999, using the same techinque and achieving the same result. 23-year-old Bartosz of Mt. Prospect, was nominated for falling 20 feet onto his head in December 2005. Bartosz is remarkable for having fallen over an apartment railing without running start. But Ameer clearly trumps his competitors with his 11-story fall.

 

 

Idiots who drowned in the gene pool #44

(26 May 2004, Wolfsberg, Austria) The manager of an apartment house was surprised to find the legs of a corpse sticking out an apartment window. Police entered the apartment and found the deceased man’s head soaking in a sink full of hot water.

Apparently the out-of-work Austrian had returned home after a night of drinking and drugs. He decided to slip in through the kitchen window. The window was fixed at the base and tilted out, giving him just enough room to squeeze his head through as far as the sink before he got stuck. While flailing around trying to escape, he turned on the hot water tap.

Police were not sure why he had not turned off the water, pulled the plug, or–perhaps most important–entered through the front door, since they found the keys in his pants pocket.

 

Idiots who drowned in the gene pool #43

(3 March 2002, England) As Kim and Paul left the Sheffield pub, they noticed that a streetlight was burned out, creating a pool of darkness on the road. Unable to rein in their passion, they began to canoodle — consummate their relationship — on the asphalt outside the pub. Witnesses said the couple was lying right on the white line, kissing and cuddling.

The passionate pair were warned of the danger of their coital position not once, not twice, but three times — by a car driver, a bus driver, and a pedestrian. An off-duty paramedic honked and shouted, “You want to get up, otherwise you’ll be run over.” The man simply said “Cheers, mate,” and the paramedic heard a female laughing. A bus driver swerved to avoid them, and drove past with wheels on the curb. A concerned pedestrian shouted to warn them that another bus was headed their way.

Despite these disruptions, Kim and Paul continued, oblivious to the approach of a small, single-decker Nipper bus. The bus driver mistook the undulating shape for a bag of rubbish in the poorly lit street, and was unable to stop in time. There was a dull thud…

Kim and Paul were struck and killed at midnight. Paramedics found Kim lying on her back with her jumper pulled up, and Paul between her legs with his trousers pulled down.

The only downside to this timely removal of lunacy from the gene pool is the fate of the bus driver. Despite the couple’s irregular actions, and a police investigator’s statement that “to expect a driver to anticipate a pedestrian lying in the road is out of the ordinary,” a judge fined him for careless driving, and his license was revoked for six months. Fortunately, his employers consider him an excellent employee, and plan to give him other duties for six months. Relatives of the victims said they were glad the driver had kept his job.

Idiots Who Drowned in the Gene Pool #42…

(17 June 2003, United Kingdom) The National Express bus service between Aberdeen and London takes approximately twelve hours, with NO SMOKING on the coach. A 43-year-old woman was riding south from Glasgow, and as the miles rolled by, she became more and more desperate for a cigarette. It’s a long trip for addicts.

The coach stopped at Carlisle–at last, she could satisfy her craving! But no, she was not allowed off the coach. She sat in her seat, becoming more agitated by the mile. She was craving a cigarette. She was fuming.

Fellow passengers said she became increasingly anxious as the journey continued, and started shouting that she wanted off. However, the coach was on a motorway at the time. It was not permitted to stop, save for emergencies.

Somewhere between Shap and Penrith, passengers saw the woman push against the passenger door in the middle of the lower deck. She couldn’t be trying to get off to smoke, could she?

Oh, yes she could!

Police concluded that the coach was traveling approximately sixty miles per hour. Our involuntary non-smoker was crushed beneath its wheels. At that point, the coach did make that hoped-for emergency stop, but life is not fair. Unlike a condemned man, our heroine never did get that last cigarette.

 

Idiots who drowned in the gene pool #41

(31 May 2003, Indiana) Tamar came all the way from New York for the annual Stark Raven Mad event at the Splashin’ Safari waterpark at Holiday World, where members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts planned to rendezvous on Memorial Day weekend. The 32-year-old eagerly looked forward to riding the Raven, later described by Spencer County Prosecutor Jon Dartt as “one of the world’s most terrifying roller coasters.”

Tamar planned what coaster enthusiasts call “catching airtime,” standing up during the ride to show bravery. The park staff warned the “spirited and intelligent” Harvard MBA, along with the rest of the group, “Don’t mess with our safety equipment.” Tamar’s seat belt and lap bar restraint were in place when the train left the station. But you can’t catch airtime that way. Her seatbelt was later found unbuckled and tucked into the seat cushions.

As the train swooped over the precipice into the “infamous drop” on the fifth turn at 60 mph, where the G-forces are notoriously skyward, Tamar unlatched her seat belt and stood up. The train dropped, but Tamar didn’t. She caught good air until she landed on the ground, 69 feet below.

Idiots Who Drowned in the Gene Pool #40…

This actually happened in the county next door to mine back home…

(14 February 2002, Pennsylvania) Daniel and his friend were practicing their marksmanship by shooting at targets in a farm field. But instead of the usual choices of mice, bottles, or birds, they selected a more worthy adversary: electrical insulators.

These pear-shaped glass or plastic devices are intended to hold electrical wires aloft. But after the men shot six insulators off two utility poles, the shattered targets were no longer up to the job. A high-voltage wire fell to the ground and Daniel, attempting to prevent a serious fire, seized the sizzling wire in his hand, and was electrocuted.

An Allegheny Power spokesman advised people not to shoot at electrical insulators.

 

Idiots Who Drowned in the Gene Pool #39…

(November 2002, Belgium) A retired engineer booby-trapped his home with the intention of killing his estranged family, but died himself after inadvertently triggering one of his own devices.

At first, police assumed that the 79-year-old had committed suicide, as he was found alone with a bullet wound in his neck. Then a detective missed a bullet by inches when he opened a booby-trapped wooden chest. Police beat a hasty retreat from the property and called in military experts.

They deciphered an enigmatic series of scribbled clues to locate 19 death traps in walls, ceilings, and household objects. A pile of booby-trapped dinner plates was revealed by the clue, “Cheaper by the Dozen,” a reference to a film in which a child throws a plate at someone’s head. Police speculate that the the notes were intended to assist his failing memory.

Other traps included numerous concealed shotguns triggered by threads, and an exploding crate of beer set to detonate once a certain number of bottles were rmoved. It took three weeks to crack 19 of the 20 clues, and experts were forced to admit defeat on the final note: “The 12 Apostles are ready to work on the pebbles.” Said one, “We have never come across anything like it before. It was all fiendishly clever.”

True to form, the “fiendishly clever” but careless Darwin Award winner was described by neighbors as a taciturn but harmless man who enjoyed puttering in his garage. But relatives say he never forgave his wife for divorcing him twenty years before. Police believe he bagan installing the traps for four years, after losing a lengthy battle to keep his home.